You all are fucking retards, and need my help.
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Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Satanic Warmaster: Judgement day has arrived...

Greetings,

Well this was inevitable...
Today we look at the joke of Finland (well... actually there are a few of them, but that will be for a later date) Satanic Warmaster and more importantly the one man idiot behind it: Satanic Tyrant Werwolf . Many of you anxious donkeys blurted him out in the FB page as being the topic of this post, but I had to keep it under wraps as this is going to be a possible three part series.





Left: Our subject for the night Satanic Tyrant Werwolf. Already he gets a strike against him for having a Satyricon (I am just going to say its Age of Nero era) and (possible mexican bootleg) Moonblood patch.















Here we have a band with the name of "Satanic Warmaster". That alone should tell you that you are entering the danger zone. Next we have the sole member of the band who refers to himself as Satanic Tyrant Werwolf. Throw in some of the most absurdly dumb fucking uber-kvlt photo shoots known to man and you have one class act from Finland. You see, Satanic Tyrant Werewolf (now known as SWT or STW from here on out, because I don't want to get a brain hemorrhage from constantly typing such a retarded pseudonym) is a great mystery because despite his obvious stupidity; he manages to have hundreds of stupid fans who would totally bend over and let him stick his werewolf wiener inside them.

Let's move along shall we?

STW has the inhuman power to change into multiple forms during various moon cycles. He IS a Werewolf you know. Below are listed several documented phases and the form of STW you will witness during these stages...


Phase I: Normal Human















One of the rarest forms, STW really never shows his human side in public. He is known to sport glasses, bootleg shirts, and hair scrunches around his wrists. He literally looks like every 20 something year old in Finland which helps him remain elusive during normal daytime hours. This stage usually takes place during the Waning Crescent moon stage.


Phase II: Thrash Metal Blood Flow

























Usually in the Last Quarter moon phase, SWT can be found in local graveyards dancing on tombs while playing air guitar and pumping his legs up and down like he is Bruce Dickinson circa 1984. This is natural for him as this moon phase marks the beginning stages of his animalistic urges. Do not approach him during this time, as he will bash you for your lack of knowledge of 80's metal.


Phase III: Glam Whore

























When he not selling thousands of albums to teens across Finland, STW prowls the dark corners of Helsinki looking for love. His known street names are Vince Venom, Vincent Vogue. and Panther Master. This phase happens during the moons Waning Gibbous stage. Do not approach! His crotch is heavily guarded and only accessible to those who get a 10 out of 10 on his Glam Metal Test.


Phase IV: Full Moon Uber-Kvlt Nazi Satanist
























The most commonly known STW phase is set during the Full Moon stage. At this point STW's aryan blood is at a steady boil; forcing him to dawn corpse paint, spikes, chains and the kitchen sink. He is known to take horrendous pictures like the one above which is clearly shot in his bed room with a white sheet blocking his play room. Also his hair is known to change color to "fake black" throughout the duration of this phase. The only known way to stop him during an attack is to play ABBA or early Wham!


Phase V: "What happened?"






















After terrorizing the black metal scene and Finnish villages, SWT often times blacks out and wakes up in straaaange and unusual places. He has no recollection of what has happened or why his clothes are missing in most cases. Above is a photo snap shot taken of STW the day after a new moon. Apparently he is confused as to why he is sitting in a bed with no clothes on with other naked men. YYEEAAHHHHHHH......

Now I have heard multiple people come in to defend this picture with such oblivious remarks such as "Well its a difference of culture. You see in European countries this is considered normal"
What the FUCK! My ass this is considered normal, even in France (well maybe with shoegaze crowd)! To prove my point, I have run his picture through my "always correct" ABME Black Metal Facial Recognition Program (B.M.F.R.P.) Below is a screen shot of the results. Clearly the nay-sayers are wrong.



















STW is also considered a sort of hero in Finland; which is kinda pathetic when you have a possible homosexual-nazi-werewolf running the scene. Eventually he got a book written about his adventures entitled "Queer Legends: Queer Wolf" which was written by James EM Rasmussen. The novel was so successful it even spawned the movie adaption "Curse of the Queerwolf" which was a summer blockbuster and featured Michael Palazolo as STW.





(Left: The novel to the left and movie to the right)











Well that is enough from me, but we are far from finished with this topic. Stay tuned in the future for some surprises regarding our favorite Satanic Nazi Tyrant Werewolf. Also more to come regarding metal sluts and your summer reading list.

Regards,

ABME

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

Major props. This was so great! I am a new reader and am not disappointed. Do you take requests on what to write about?

444 said...

FUCK YEA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

'bout time bro.

Anonymous said...

you know you will get shit on for this right?> well good job tho, takes some nuts to write some shit bout SW

Anonymous said...

ooohhh shit!

Collector_of_the_Rings said...

Fuckin Kudos mate! Take that you Finish Slamcore Master!

FUCK YOU said...

EPIC SHIT!!! BRING ON PART 2!!!

Anonymous said...

Vittu Satanic Warmaster .... tämä häpeäksi maamme! Toukokuussa hän kuolee paskaa

Anonymous said...

Fucking Great!!!!!

Werwolf said...

Great success!!! Keep up the good work, dickwad!

http://i999.photobucket.com/albums/af118/TOTESLAUT/2011-05-15204513.jpg

Yours truly,
Werwolf

Funshizer said...

Anychance SWT will write a guest blog now??

Anonymous said...

Hahah this whole post is win-win for everyone. Another great roast by ABME and you even got Satanic Warmaster to respond! I must say Satanic Warmaster deserves credit for laughing it off. I doubt half the other people ABME pokes fun at would do the same. Great post overall!

Anonymous said...

Retartds! That is not the real Satanic Warmaster who posted!! Get fucking real! It is some troll shit with someone who took wwwaaayyy too much time and effort to put into this (create a FAKE account which no one can see). Plus I know atleast THREE of my metal head friends who look exactly like Werwolf. Satanic Warmaster rules and this is all bullshit.

Anonymous said...

http://a4.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/199991_1717202695539_1402392080_31674560_4943993_n.jpg

Anonymous said...

The next part should be his embarrassing presence on many bm metal boards.

After this you may want to tackle the SW rip-off atrocity that is Drowning the Light

Anonymous said...

Yeah its surprising that Werwolf found this within a day, while other people like Kanwulf could probably give two shits less if someone is dragging him through the mud.

Anonymous said...

Why would Werwolf have a blog page in the first place. Wouldnt it be called Nazgul or one of his other names? You all are idiots. That picture is as fake as the Osama Bin Laden pictures

Curwen said...

You forgot to mention that he's quite fat for a defender of the aryan race. I don't know you, but I wouldn't want his greasy genes if I were filtering the shit out of mankind.

Anonymous said...

Werwolf is just stoked 'cos you took him for a 20 something.

Anonymous said...

Serif fonts n a blog? FUck off and die.

Anonymous said...

Does SW have a nose ring? If so, then that's the first sign of a queer wolf. Next comes the eyebrow or lip ring.

Anonymous said...

FUCK OFF POSTER..GEt LIFE WITH THE FAKE PICS>>U EPIC LAMENESS

Anonymous said...

Reading all that shit I only conclude that your an angry idiot with a very small penis... Use your time well or do us a favor, just suicide...

GAYGAY GAY said...

Above poster is clueless... hahaha >xD lets all just take a moment to "...just suicide" ROFL

Anonymous said...

bwhhahaah about fucking time, I thought I was the only one who thought this faggot was nothing but a fucking cock sucking glam queer.

anyway, I have this pic of him!

enjoy komrades!

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v322/Chainsawgutzfuk/Satanicwarhamster-1.jpg?t=1310954954

Anonymous said...

ABME

This time you did something that i waited for a long time! Every single word in this rip off couldn't be more true that it really is.

Satanic Tyrant Werwolf is the biggest joke ever introduced in Finnish BM-scene. Once being "true" black metal "leader", bowed by bunch of false-inbred-plastic toy natzis, another time posing as Glam
queer gone through failing sex chance and extremely vile gang rape by his fellow fagmates.

Its weird to think how this sort of shit "Black Metal" even had a chance to rise up in the scene.

I'm extremely shamed about this sort of shit popping out from my homeland.

If this is an example for a True Finn, i am shamed to call myself a one

Anonymous said...

The blogger and author of this text looks like a jewish cunt.

444 said...

"The blogger and author of this text looks like a jewish cunt."

Wow, didn't know you possessed the power to view what people look like just by reading the text on a page. Does listening to Satanic Clownmaster give you this amazing capability or did you discover it one day after playing Yu-Gi-Oh! for 48 hours straight?

Anonymous said...

Like 444 said, it also seems funny to me that stupid clown like you knows that it definitely is always a jew behind the post or author. Hell, this sort of shit sounding, poorly written and full of wannabe "true kvlt" containing bullshit "Black" metal i rather throw in my sauna stove than play in my cd player.

Its an poor attempt for life lost, pathetic and attention seeking midget like STW to produce this shit. Who the fuck this buttfucked idiot think he is? Same goes for Goatmoon. Another fake "aryan' like this fuckwit.

Hitler's dreams have gone terribly wrong if this bloke is example of "Aryan" race. I thought he wanted tall, blond haired and blue eyed men and women. Unholy shitballs! If "Aryans" of 2011 are short blond haired (probably queer) midgets who love getting drunk and rubbing another naked men between the bed sheets, then we are doomed!

Anonymous said...

Mahahaha... Finally someone tell's the truth

Anonymous said...

He even gets sad when people give his albums negative reviews and makes a point to cry online so his idiot fans will back him up and stroke his broken ego.

https://www.facebook.com/satanic.war.terror/posts/335761733128193

Satanic Glammaster said...

I have seen people attempt to call out Satanic Warmaster via some of his pages. Even asking questions about his National Socialism, which he completely denies. If you ask him the question, he avoids it like the plague. And when you finally get him to answer, he will just admit to being a Satanist and believe in the "power of the runes". So he believes in this religious hogwash and uses nazism to make himself look more edgy. And sleeps with men and all of that nonsense. He is a fucking joke.

Anonymous said...

Pokemon is kvlt. So is pretending to be a werewolf. Next thing we know we will find out he's a god damned furry or brony.

Anonymous said...

Lauri doesn't make NSBM anymore because it doesn't 'sell'.

guaccio said...

Shittanik faggot Master has always seem'd so dumbly double-faced to me i'm shitting my pants reading dis shit! ahaha so uber-hilarious.

Anonymous said...

Its just ridiculous, how you beat o a defensless Person!
:)
No, for real. In Black Metal you got all bunch of Provocateurs. And what is better for this than a healty part National Socialism?
I dont blame anyone for anythig they did or do in Black Metal. When YOU decide to judge, is on your own.
But be not surprised, if it backlash, or be ignored. is all shit here...

Anonymous said...

I'd go gay if it meant pissing you off. In the end, that's what Black Metal is about...

Anonymous said...

Also, 1 in 4 men these days are homosexual. It's probably water fluoridation or something.
I'm guessing you're part of the percentage who's in the closet?
Any hetero male is comfortable enough with his sexuality not to give a shit what other males do.

Your obsession with homosexuals is too obtuse not to be questioned. Especially since any straight man would be completely O.K. with lesbianism... but that's not the porn you watch, is it?

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Erika Leon said...

Dont really give a shit about your opinions Satanic Warmasters lyrics music pictures are some of the best and I will always support Werewolf and his projects. Funny how you fucking morons think that this is gonna change the minds of those whom like SWM think again idiots.

Anonymous said...

To be honest I really enjoy SWM, but this article is spot on xD

Konrad Rhodes said...

Very interesting that BOLLY BOOBS is still up?! Damn fine comment on STW!
Like Erika's commment!
As far as the Swastika and "Nazism" one has to remember first that the Finns and Karelians were, like the Baltic Germans and Baltic nations very concerned about defending themselves from the murderous Communists of the early Soviet era who massacred millions! The Finnish relationship to Adolf Hitler and the Great German Reich as well as their involvement in what was to be the Great anti-Bolshevik Crusade in which the Western Capitalists essentially bailed out the Reds, while complex needs to be taken into consideration as the Finns were certainly on the side of the Greater German Reich in the end and were not going to make the mistake of trying to be neutral again with the insanely cold-blooded killers on their Eastern Border! People never even consider that the massacres that the locals in the Baltic states committed against Jews had to do with many Jews being active Communist party members and Communist Partisans. What do you think would make average people get together in mobs totally on their own AGAINST the Germans who were occupying their lands ORDERS NOT TO! and start killing them whole-sale!?!
AS far as Satanism and the Vampyric-Magick/Lycanthropy goes its, as far as I can tell, linked to a Magickal-Dark-Luciferian Vampyric/Lycanthropic Order. I can't be sure which one though?! Of course this is not that uncommon among Black Metal artists and fans! Come on!?! Domgard is well known for anti-cosmic Satanism/Ginnveda and Current 218! Where the Fuck have you been?! If you think it is BS than Fuck off! Why the fuck would you care? In what way is the Dark Karelian artist denigrating Black Metal?! He seems to be right on the money and expanding on the Dark themes making connections with Gothic superstition, such as the Nachzehrer wieder-ganger and 'doing his own thing' as they say. I find him interesting, entertaining, and unique not the least for not being explicitly NSBM but also certainly not running from it entirely either! He is just himself! and he did say Fuck Christianity and Fuck JUDAISM! Exact-fucking-ly! It is absolutely retarded to knock Christ-insanity and their diseased herd! but not touch on the Jews!