Well this was inevitable...
Today we look at the joke of Finland (well... actually there are a few of them, but that will be for a later date) Satanic Warmaster and more importantly the one man idiot behind it: Satanic Tyrant Werwolf . Many of you anxious donkeys blurted him out in the FB page as being the topic of this post, but I had to keep it under wraps as this is going to be a possible three part series.
Left: Our subject for the night Satanic Tyrant Werwolf. Already he gets a strike against him for having a Satyricon (I am just going to say its Age of Nero era) and (possible mexican bootleg) Moonblood patch.
Here we have a band with the name of "Satanic Warmaster". That alone should tell you that you are entering the danger zone. Next we have the sole member of the band who refers to himself as Satanic Tyrant Werwolf. Throw in some of the most absurdly dumb fucking uber-kvlt photo shoots known to man and you have one class act from Finland. You see, Satanic Tyrant Werewolf (now known as SWT or STW from here on out, because I don't want to get a brain hemorrhage from constantly typing such a retarded pseudonym) is a great mystery because despite his obvious stupidity; he manages to have hundreds of stupid fans who would totally bend over and let him stick his werewolf wiener inside them.
Let's move along shall we?
STW has the inhuman power to change into multiple forms during various moon cycles. He IS a Werewolf you know. Below are listed several documented phases and the form of STW you will witness during these stages...
Phase I: Normal Human
One of the rarest forms, STW really never shows his human side in public. He is known to sport glasses, bootleg shirts, and hair scrunches around his wrists. He literally looks like every 20 something year old in Finland which helps him remain elusive during normal daytime hours. This stage usually takes place during the Waning Crescent moon stage.
Phase II: Thrash Metal Blood Flow
Usually in the Last Quarter moon phase, SWT can be found in local graveyards dancing on tombs while playing air guitar and pumping his legs up and down like he is Bruce Dickinson circa 1984. This is natural for him as this moon phase marks the beginning stages of his animalistic urges. Do not approach him during this time, as he will bash you for your lack of knowledge of 80's metal.
Phase III: Glam Whore
When he not selling thousands of albums to teens across Finland, STW prowls the dark corners of Helsinki looking for love. His known street names are Vince Venom, Vincent Vogue. and Panther Master. This phase happens during the moons Waning Gibbous stage. Do not approach! His crotch is heavily guarded and only accessible to those who get a 10 out of 10 on his Glam Metal Test.
Phase IV: Full Moon Uber-Kvlt Nazi Satanist
The most commonly known STW phase is set during the Full Moon stage. At this point STW's aryan blood is at a steady boil; forcing him to dawn corpse paint, spikes, chains and the kitchen sink. He is known to take horrendous pictures like the one above which is clearly shot in his bed room with a white sheet blocking his play room. Also his hair is known to change color to "fake black" throughout the duration of this phase. The only known way to stop him during an attack is to play ABBA or early Wham!
Phase V: "What happened?"
After terrorizing the black metal scene and Finnish villages, SWT often times blacks out and wakes up in straaaange and unusual places. He has no recollection of what has happened or why his clothes are missing in most cases. Above is a photo snap shot taken of STW the day after a new moon. Apparently he is confused as to why he is sitting in a bed with no clothes on with other naked men. YYEEAAHHHHHHH......
Now I have heard multiple people come in to defend this picture with such oblivious remarks such as "Well its a difference of culture. You see in European countries this is considered normal"
What the FUCK! My ass this is considered normal, even in France (well maybe with shoegaze crowd)! To prove my point, I have run his picture through my "always correct" ABME Black Metal Facial Recognition Program (B.M.F.R.P.) Below is a screen shot of the results. Clearly the nay-sayers are wrong.
STW is also considered a sort of hero in Finland; which is kinda pathetic when you have a possible homosexual-nazi-werewolf running the scene. Eventually he got a book written about his adventures entitled "Queer Legends: Queer Wolf" which was written by James EM Rasmussen. The novel was so successful it even spawned the movie adaption "Curse of the Queerwolf" which was a summer blockbuster and featured Michael Palazolo as STW.
(Left: The novel to the left and movie to the right)
Well that is enough from me, but we are far from finished with this topic. Stay tuned in the future for some surprises regarding our favorite Satanic Nazi Tyrant Werewolf. Also more to come regarding metal sluts and your summer reading list.